funny court stories

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This particular defendant is pleading “not guilty” on the basis of his own law code. In his wisdom he decided that he would represent himself in court. The client obliged…he showed up the next day wearing a huge clown tie! These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. “I was defending a woman on criminal charges, trying hard to convince the judge to sympathize with her, when the woman went to pour herself a glass of water from the pitcher on the defense table,” Rice tells us. Whether you’re in the jury, on the witness stand, or on trial yourself, it’s certainly a tense and nail-biting environment. : I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report … The only problem was when Judge Caprio asked him how one does the Heimlich maneuver, the man had not a clue. So this week, we’d like to ask you: What are your funniest and weirdest stories … Judge: “Well, according to your test kit, you’re running a very high fever, and you tested positive for MDMA and methamphetamines.”. Often, our court is so busy, it is just him and me in the courtroom for staff. Nothing but the truth. The only problem? Jokes about Judges. Now Trending. Turned out, the child was the result of a one-night stand. So Frekhtman called in an actuarial expert. For example, here’s how Justice Goldberg (a federal appeals court judge in Texas) began his 1986 opinion in the case of United States v. Batson: Some farmers from Gaines had a plan. — But there’s no such thing; it’s about something completely unrelated. He knows when he’s beat!”. On Friday, our colleague arrives at work a lot earlier than anticipated. BLOG. T’was a mugging of poor Uncle Sam. Mum: “Well, that’s not robins-egg blue paper, is it? We recommend our users to update the browser. And this signature is definitely, “My client would like to change his plea to guilty. I will tell the jail staff that charges are pending, but he is to be held on PC of probation violation. You make good things happen. My very first job after graduating is at an office within a courthouse where people can get their official documents pertaining to their lawsuit or verdict. One day, I am assisting in a settlement conference, and the judge and I are sitting at opposite ends of a long table, with the parties down either side. I am the court bailiff, clerk, reporter, and probation officer. Juror, dismissed. She also had to pay her parking ticket…obviously. Just a few days after sentencing, however, the woman was back in the courtroom, seeking an exception because the ankle monitor was kind of “ruining her vibe” at the strip club. When Arkady Frekhtman, founding partner of Frekhtman & Associates, had a personal injury case involving an injured young man, winning a big judgment hinged on the young man having a life expectancy of 87. While it may be true that there were some activities she could no longer perform, a private investigator unearthed a treasure trove of professional adult films the woman had shot since the accident, proving there’s performing, and then there’s performing, and this woman was performing just fine, apparently. He pulls out what appears to be a normal male appendage and starts to free urine into the cup. Beware of Killer Whales. Actually, these might just be the funniest lawyer jokes ever. ... Best Lawyer Story Best Sex Ever Boss Bridge to Hawaii Busted Call Girl Californians Cardiologist's Funeral Children Stories Christmas Carols Chinese ENGLISH Do tell, Counselor. It did not go well. She had to, hm? Don’t miss the weird laws you probably break all the time. In 2009, a no-nonsense judge jailed a man … She stands there for a minute, during which I pretend she isn’t there, until she finally shuffles away. The judge is sitting in front of the window with his back to it, and I can see clearly everything going on behind him. Another time, she received an urgent message from a prisoner at Rikers. 3 Funny Stories for Halloween ~ the Spirits of Halloween, The Graveyard Ghouls and the Halloween Masked Ball: Great to see you here. Why? I really enjoyed these cute stories. From hilariously misinformed patients to doctors with a wickedly dry sense of humor, we at Bored Panda had compiled a list of short stories when doctor/patient interactions were just too funny. The lawyer, who was the husband of the defendant’s ex-wife, was also the former governor of Rhode Island. I wish you a very happy day. She does not move and just repeats, “Letter,” every once in a while. 16, 2016. .. “I always ask the jury pool if they know of my law firm,” explains Adam Funk, a partner at the Potts Law Firm. Funny Court Transcripts. Southern Law Joke. Another man stood before Judge Caprio defending himself for having parked in a handicapped spot, despite not having a sticker or a visible handicap. I can see the letter she’s given me is from an insurance company, but she is unable to answer any of my questions so I don’t know how I can help her. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. “So why not park legally this time?” the judge asked. I hope life brings you much success. These funny lines are real - Source Below! Court's Disorder. The defendant was tried again six months later. Thanks for sharing. Black, has had some pretty out-there exchanges with her criminal defense clients as well. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), weird laws you probably break all the time, Do Not Sell My Personal Information – CA Residents. Now, we’re talking about a kid, about seventeen or eighteen, and I know his drug of choice is weed. The first section is captioned, “Hurling Chunks.” The last: “A Schwing and a Miss.” In between, Judge Paine calls the defendant’s case “bogus” and “not worthy” and ultimately denies the defendant’s motion with a curt, “Party on.”. Attorney David Reischer, founder of LegalAdvice.com once had a client who was not into wearing business clothing. He knows when he’s beat!”, “The verdict will be tomorrow, and then I’ll be free to discuss everything and answer all your questions.”, “The defendant would like to present a signed affidavit.”, “Well, that’s not robins-egg blue paper, is it? The juror who’d breached protocol had charges brought against him. Terri Jo68 on September 13, 2018: Awesome! Funny moments in the court room enjoy!! What is even weirder are the results. He knew that such kits usually come back under temp, so he had it suspended in a half cup of coffee until he finally took it out and strapped it to his leg before entering the courtroom. Funny Story About Divorce ~ The Best Divorce She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. I even offered to put in a word for a local racing team, whose owner I knew. The kid could drive. Here are some smart tips for fighting parking tickets. The problem, however, wasn’t that she couldn’t locate the father. If you don’t laugh at these lawyer jokes, you might be held in contempt! My colleague never got to see the new trial as he was no longer eligible for jury service. However, as far as the potential for awkward situations goes, going to the doc's can be comedy gold. My patience has finally worn out, so I just say, “There is nothing I can do with that letter. Imagine how everyone was obliged to remain calm and orderly during the exchange. Lauren Cahn is a New York-based writer whose work has appeared regularly on Reader's Digest, The Huffington Post, and a variety of other publications since 2008. Even of an old, sweet lady many would be happy to call grandma. Motion denied.”. Lauren is also an author of crime fiction; her first full-length manuscript, The Trust Game, was short-listed for the 2017 CLUE Award for emerging talent in the genre of suspense fiction. I try to say as clearly as I can that I have given her every document she could possibly get from us, and I can do nothing else. We're … ALL STAR COMEDIAN SHAWN CLOWNS ON FOX'S CRISTINA'S COURT...A MUST SEE!! “My wife and I are trying to have a baby, and she’s ovulating right now.” What could be said beyond, “Thank you for sharing”? He argues the search was illegal because with his buttery smooth leather jacket, there's no way the officer would have felt the drugs in his pocket during a pat down, so he shouldn't have reached in the pocket to find the drugs in the first place. Again, she seems happy and leaves. I decide to make another type of document, thinking maybe it was the wrong type. “I was working in criminal law and had a case where a man had set up cameras to watch women go to the bathroom,” he tells Reader’s Digest, “and oh, by the way, what he really liked was to watch them making… Number 2.” The D.A. This means that it does happen, however rarely, that the justices are forced to preside over bullshit. And since the justices are human beings just like us, they can't help but call it out when they see it. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. We can’t charge a person for testing positive for marijuana, except if it’s one of the terms of their probation with the court. “After an extreme close-up review of the record and excellent authorities, the court … Jonathan Rosenfeld, founder of Rosenfeld Injury Lawyers, tells Reader’s Digest, “I get a ridiculous amount of correspondence from people wanting to sue their exes for allegedly giving them STDs.” Oh? Questions asked in a courtroom can be very revealing... especially in the South. U.S. v. Causby. Unfortunately for him, my mother does her research. Sadly, the kid never took me up on my offer and just sank further and further into the quagmire of the justice system, ultimately spending time in a state pen for his actions. . She even looked in her own purse to see if her client had used her as a “mule.” No dice… until Margolin got home and took down her hair. He kind of laughed me off, but I was 100% deadly serious. “I was defending a criminal client on a drug charge,” she tells Reader’s Digest, “and I smelled pot in the courtroom.” Weirded out, she kept looking around trying to determine where it was coming from. He got put in jail for a probation violation on one of his high-speed pursuits. After I get back into the courtroom, I seal the test kit in a bag — normally, I throw them away — write down some information in his case file, and hand it to the judge. See more ideas about humor, lawyer jokes, lawyer humor. Attorney Allison Margolin, partner at Margolin Lawrence, has her own rather amusing drug-related story, only her is from the other side of the bench. Number 2: It is incredibly hard to get her on the phone, which for me is the best way to contact her as i … The judge recalls to me later that suddenly my face changes and contorts, and I busy myself in a piece of paper, looking horrified. Because he wanted to know exactly when he would die and how… as if the expert were a psychic and not an actuary. This one time, an elderly woman raised her hand and volunteered she’d worked there as a secretary, albeit decades ago.”. Party on, Garth. “Is there something you want to say?” Judge Caprio asked the man. It is a sad fact of our justice system that most of our modern courts have been … David Rae (1724-1804) chose to be called Lord Eskgrove. Modern development has built up around the court, so that from levels four up, the back of the court overlooks and looks into a flashy five-star hotel. My other colleague is full of questions, but of course, he won’t answer them because he isn’t supposed to discuss the case. Something isn’t right. COURT STENOGRAPHERS. “Do you know any of his relatives,” Knight asked her. Bye!” I even make a point to wave goodbye and just go sit at my computer and begin working on something else. Everyone could use a good laugh (and scientists say laughing makes you happier) so here you go . “Well, I know your boss, and he’s a real jerk,” the woman said sweetly. He’s presenting evidence that follows the strange rules of the FOTL. Andy Simmons Updated: Apr. On this particular day, he knows he is going to be drug tested (by me), which includes me physically having to watch him pee into a cup, on the side of which is a thermometer strip. Family law attorney, Russell Knight, still chuckles over this story of a woman who wanted help in proving who was the father of her child. Olivia on March 07, 2017: I couldn't stop reading this was so funny !Please Subscribe for more funny videos! He reckons the case will be interesting, as it relates to quite a high-profile incident that was in all the local papers. I s*** you not, the kid rolls his eyes, reaches into his pants, yanks pretty hard a couple of times, and brings out a male-appendage-shaped apparatus that has a small bladder attached with a locking mechanism keeping the fluid from leaking out. On this particular occasion, the person on trial is a “Freeman-On-The-Land,” a person who claims that no English law save “common law” is valid. Not even business casual. When all was said and done (and won), the client asked to be put in touch with the expert. I can no longer help you. “Poor kid had to watch four hours of bowel movements,” Ozols explains. One of the other jurors had been shopping in town that evening, saw the defendant, and in spite of being told not to discuss the case, decided to discuss the case with him, in full view of everyone in the shop! Not only have I frequently entered new warrants for his arrest in the state system, but I also have the frequent occasion to be the dispatcher answering radio calls from pursuits he’s lead, and frequently evaded, our officers on. Back to the Index of Best Funny Short Stories. It amounted to quite a big scam. Mostly, they need a version of the official verdict that they can take with them — the original always stays in the archives — e.g. But it soon becomes very clear she only knows this one word: “Letter.”. “As she poured, the pitcher’s lid fell off… sending water everywhere.” At least the judge had a good laugh! On his first day of the trial, he is in court most of the day, coming into work in the late afternoon for a few hours. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. All he asked was whether or not the donor had been smoking weed lately, not even thinking to ask about any other drugs. Personal injury attorney Byron Browne tells Reader’s Digest of a woman who’d been injured in an accident and claimed she could no longer perform at work. Throughout the week, he falls into the same routine: court in the morning and work in the afternoon. The surgeon grafted skin from George’s chest onto his hand… except George had a hairy chest…so now he had a hairy hand as well. Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out on a Bus. Find out the dumbest laws in every state. He sued her on grounds of… The excerpts from funny court reports might sound like they were taken from a madcap movie script, but they're all things folks have actually heard during a trial. I take him into custody, glove up and take hold of the device he left sitting on the reporter’s bench, and take him to jail. In the “Only in Rhode Island,” category, Caprio tells Reader’s Digest that everyone knows everyone in the tiny New England state, and sometimes it gets super awkward. For clarification, he did not get put in jail for drug charges. I have the joy and honor of serving as the personal bailiff to one of the greatest judges I’ve ever had the chance to meet. He was not well liked … Is funny like freid rice. The defendant and the lawyer have a quick chat. I also create about 90% of the forms we use. The thing was, the guy was a CEO of a big company and clearly could afford it. My mother is a prosecutor working for the UK Crime & Prosecution service. Hopefully, the story had a happy “ending.”. For example, she once received a Christmas card with a puppy dog…from a Bloods gang member. Word got back to the judge, who, on Friday morning, went ballistic. See more bank jokes, bungled robberies and funny money stories: $ Home $ Bungled burglaries $ Stupid criminals $ Funny bank robberies $ Stupid lawyer jokes $ Funny crime stories $ Police humour $ Funny lawyer jokes $ Great swindles $ Funny money $ Credit crunch jokes $ Ways of making money $ Funny identity theft $ Funny court transcripts On Thursday, the penultimate day of the trial, he comes in. Me: “You know, I’ve known about you and your exploits for like five years or so now, but I have one major question.”, Me: “Have you ever given any serious thought to doing something positive with your life?”, Me: “Dude, you’ve been doing it for over five years. a verdict wherein the judge says that their insurance does have to pay them, which they can then use to take steps to receive this payment. provided Ozols and his team with videos, which went to an intern to review. The man claimed he’d meant to park for just a moment to go into a restaurant to bring his mother a glass of water (she was dehydrated, he explained). Sanford’s partner at BMS, Lisa J. When I do, the judge scratches his left inside wrist and then his right inside wrist, our code for “get ready to arrest.” The judge calls the kid up, and I have him stand almost behind the court reporter’s bench, so I can cut him off if he tries bolting on foot. I still maintain that he would have made one h*** of a racecar driver. Find out the 38 dumbest criminals of all time. Source: Reddit (Credit: DCaplinger, Original Story). Judges have latitude when it comes to how they write their opinions and some run with it. Nope. Here’s Sevilla’s third collection of funnies (Disorderly Conduct, 1989; Disorder in the Court, 1993) from U.S. courts, supplied by contributors, named and anonymous, from around the U.S. One day, we have one of our regular customers in. He declared a mistrial, held both the defendant and juror in contempt, and explained that now there would have to be a new trial with a new jury. For him to drive so well he could evade multiple-car pursuits at high speed, on winding, poorly-maintained dirt roads, surely he’d be no match for an oval circuit. Speaking of funny judges, Judge Rosemarie Aquilina had us in tears when she told us about an exotic dancer who, having pleaded guilty on a drug charge, was sentenced to wearing an ankle monitor. Spoiler alert: it turned out the parking ticket was issued in error, so everyone went home happy (except the police officer who wrote the ticket). The fake report card. I raise a shaky hand to the hotel across the way, which does not have frosted or tinted windows, and the very large, naked man doing Zumba. The judge laughs so hard he extends the break for an extra fifteen minutes so he can calm down, and he teases me about it for the rest of the week. The only other thing I can do is just give her a copy — which has no “value” or use at all, short of reading what’s on it — and besides, she would have already gotten a copy by letter when the verdict came out, so I cannot imagine it’ll help. He called himself “John Doe,” making it impossible for Sanford to call back. I am working as a court clerk in civil cases. It’s not valid.”. Justice Goldberg keeps up the hilarity right until the very end, even as he breaks the bad news to the farmers: they’re still in big trouble. Read the funniest jokes about Judges ... A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The delicious irony is that he wasn’t careful who he got the urine sample from. But when he was on his way out, he saw someone choking and felt obliged to administer the Heimlich maneuver. He decides we should have a break and when the lawyers have cleared, he asks what happened. So far so good… until his lawyer showed up. The problem was she could. Another came to me claiming the jail was violating his Constitutional rights by serving bologna sandwiches for lunch.” Here are the unluckiest criminals we’ve ever seen. For example, one time a guy came in for a hearing on a parking ticket. According to the thermal strip, the liquid is close to 106 degrees F. As an EMT, I know that this would usually be a fatal body temperature, or at the absolute easiest, the person would be so feverish that they would not be able to hold their legs beneath them to stand. Sheryl A. Sanford, a partner at Black Marjieh & Sanford LLP, has done quite a bit of criminal defense, which has led to some rather funny scenarios. Only in America! Our courthouse is in the middle of the city and is several storeys high. In response, Judge Aquilina offered a veritable Solomon-esque solution: “Bedazzle that thing to match your outfits. Law, religion, health, fitness, yoga, entertaining and entertainment knows this one word “... 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